My Asylum

Confessions of A Broken Heart

The love songs played on customarily on the radio stations…

And cheesy poems were composed by a heart of profound greatfulness…

But they all seem to crash now, now that we’re not in this thing called LOVE together, now that you broke my heart for the second time as much as you broke my trust in you.

It was a fantasy, and greatly a dream that I never wanted to wake up from. It felt right and true, yet so elusive.

Seal your lips if I tell you "I love you," lest you will say "I love you too!" Please don’t say a word if you don’t mean it. You don’t know what love is. You only know what lust, dishonesty, pretension, betrayal, deception, polygamy, infidelity and selfishness are—and they are all rolled into one in you. Sigh.

How come you did it? What did I lack? What have I done, or what haven’t  I done? You really didn’t love me. Not at all, I can tell.

I gave you everything I can sacrifice. I wanted what’s best for you and alas, you played foolish games with "them" and don’t even try to rationalize that you have those needs, drives and urges because I have them too, only that you didn’t think twice before doing those nasty deeds nor hadn’t thought how would I feel if you do them. You really are selfish. You’re too much of a self-centered person. You’re weak! You gave in to temptations. And now you have become so pathetic. Please have respect for yourself, if you want me to fully trust in you.

My patience is already stretched to its limits and you know it. I loved you with all of my heart and it hurts so much that I am so twisted still feeling this love on a side and hate on the other side.  My phone has become so silent now, the way it wasn’t before. I still long to hear from you but when I do, my rage just builds up. Isn’t it foolish? But as not as foolish as what you did to me, of course.

"Be brave Zang… For once, show to the world that you’re Zang and no one should treat you that way. It may be cliche-ish but really, you deserve someone better. Someone who will stick with you no matter what and who you are. Someone who will treat you not just a gay to fool but a partner to be loved wholeheartedly. I know you may not see it now but one experience is enough for now. Give your heart a time to rest and ment the broken pieces so next time you’ll fall in love, you’re whole again and ready to give your best shot… again," my bestfriend had said to me. It’s time to move on and forget the bitterness of the past and learn from it. I wouldn’t be guilty. It’s not my fault. It’s your fault! It’s not my loss, too. I have been so good and had been loyal but you…

It hurts but it may be the only way I forget you, Ken. I hope you’ll change and will not fool "whoever" it is that you will come across in love again. This will be my ultimate goodbye and sorry if I can’t treat you as a friend (perhaps for now) or a very special friend as what you beseeched. I hate to you and hear from you, and it hurts more than twice that I still have love for you. I will be fine for I know time will heal me. I will go on my own way and you go your own, too. Moving on this time wll be so much easier for me to handle as you had thought me how to do it. After all, there is Dr. Carlo Rossi or my red horse named Beer to help me do that (but I ain’t Red Horse Gay anyway. LOL!)

Have respect for yourself. Do what you say and not just say them. I fervently hope you have learnt your lessons very well. I’ll pray for you though.

This is all for now and I have to turn the radio off as the love songs played are piercing me. There will be no odes for me to compose now because it’ll take some time to heal this broken heart of mine as I am in this asylum once again. All I need is perhaps another lover to help me cope easily.

Conclusion—WANTED: A LOYAL BOYFRIEND. LOL.